I did all I could and I think I should be contented.

I have deleted my blog a couple of times... Knowing that its contents will never surfaced but I found some of the entries in my email and I have reposted all that I can find.

Some of those posts are pathetic and sad unfortunately it doesn't matter anymore... Although it does reminds me of the things that I have done for her. 

"Sadness fills in the little gaps in between happiness and luckily those gaps are minute."

I realized that I didn't do enough. I'm sorry. 

But there is definitely more happy memories in me than those bad ones... We were great together and I thought you were the one for me... Unfortunately, it wasn't the case.

There will always be 2 sides of the story but I make sure mine will never be heard and I can swear that you are the only one in my life... 

I still love you very much...

*Repost* All About her...

Day 2 - 30th Oct

It's  snowing outside, still very cold. I am still waiting for your call but I don't think you will. I don't think you will ever call me again. 

I told you that you don't have to call me if you don't want to and I guess you won't be calling me anymore. It's sad that you choose not to continue with the relationship. I guess it was me who ruin the whole thing.

It was me who spoil the mood of the whole relationship. I guess I deserved the outcome. 

Its 12midnight in Zurich, 3am in Abu Dhabi  and 7am in Singapore. I am still wide awake and I can't get to sleep. Still thinking about you, still missing you deeply and still wondering if you will ever call me even though I know you won't but hopes are still hopes and I really hope that you will call me. 

– - I waited and I check the time. Finally you landed...

– - 1 hour after you landed, 0045 – Auh time, I guess you have reach your hotel and getting ready to go out for supper. No news from you.

 2 hours after you landed, 0145 – Auh time, still no news from you, guess you are eating with your friends.

 3hours after you landed, 0245 – Auh time, I send you a sms telling you that I miss you and I am happy and sad at the same time. Sad because we are not together anymore, happy because you finally what you wanted. Hope you will find your happiness and as unwilling as I am, I got no choice but to accept it. No news from you.

 4 hours after you landed, 0345 – Auh time, I counted... Since 4 hours ago, there were 85 vehicles that drove past the hotel and still no news from you. I don't think I will hear from you again.

 5 hours after you landed, 0445 – Auh time, I am still wide awake. Still hoping that I will still get a call from. Maybe you had supper till late that's why you can't call. Maybe...

 6 hours after you landed, 0545 – Auh time, 126 vehicles passed by and no calls from you. I guess I shouldn't have hopes for your calls. Some restaurants are already opened for breakfast and at this point of time, I know that the call that I hope for will never come. I shouldn't have deceived myself that you will call when I know you wouldn't.

I wonder if I am able to sleep tonight... I wonder how am I able survive through my flight tomorrow. It's a 12 hour flight and all I can think about is you. 

I wonder if we will ever work together. I wonder what will you do if we have the same flight? Will you change it away? Will you give it away or will you be more than happy to see me again?

But that is something that I can't answer myself because I don't know how I can face you again. I wonder how I am able to face you as a friend/batch-girl.

Misses and love from me can only be done from a distance and I will never be able to shower you with my care and concern anymore. But I think you will be happier to lead your life without me.

Love from Gary....

---------------------------------------

Day 3 - 31st Oct

Everything happen in a flash... It passes so quickly... I remember it just like it happen yesterday.

First day of school, I entered the classroom, scanned through the room and a little twinkle caught my eye, right at the end of the classroom, laughing innocently with the group. Long hair, petite and maybe pretty...

My heart melted and I told myself, "Hmm... I'm going to woo her if she is not attached..." Unfortunately, she was...

Then it came to the day when all the girls have to removed their make-up and I kinda saw the TRUTH... but I never lose hope... Look VERY differently but still cute.

I was disappointed when she didn't turn up for our first group dinner and neither did she join us on the 2nd dinner and we didn't really chat in class... I thought it was tough getting to her but luckily, there was this fine day where we manage to have dinner together, although it's a group dinner but still it's a little advancement and since that very day.

We went out together for dessert and meals together. We sorta hang out together more often and whenever there was a class gathering, it became a habit that she will definitely take my ride and declining a comfortable car ride from others... I used to tease her that it was her way of wooing me and I fall for it and I was the victim of her strong woo-ing tactics.

After some time and I don't know how or when did I start to hold her hands and we were having a relationship together although we tried to hide from the class but the intimacy and closeness was too much for anyone not to notice. Sitting next to each other in class, going home together, arriving in school together and always laughing with each other. There were the happy days which I reminisce.

How I wonder I could travel back in time to immerse myself back into the innocent and happy days where we share our thoughts and our laughter but I know it can never happen again.

Fast-forward to present day... and I realized that I have been paranoid lately and things just hasn't been the same between us. We didn't get to see each other for weeks at a stretch and our relationship worsen. Harsh words were exchanged when we were overseas.

And I know it's my fault at times because I tend to use harsh words to spite her which I should never do. I'm SORRY. Sorry for all the hurt that I caused, I'm sorry for making you sad...

Love is not all about receiving. Giving is also a form of love. Giving my best wishes to you in finding your happiness is something that I never wish that I have to do but I WILL, if that is able to bring you your happiness...

---------------------------------------

Day 4

I was filled with fear. I send her a sms, requesting to meet up with her. A simple lunch is all I ask for... And luckily, she accepted it with a little funny banter via sms.

I thought that was a positive sign that things will turn out for the good unfortunately the outcome turn out to be far from good. 

Lunch was fulfilling even though we didn't even finish one third of our food but the laughter was till the max. After-which disappointment followed with a huge attack on the emotions.

It was after-all a huge disappointment and I had hopes that was impossible to fulfill.

I woke down the corridor of my place a couple of times, each with a different kind of feeling...

The first time, I walk past the corridor was when I reached Singapore and after I send her a sms requesting to meet for lunch as friends and I was afraid that she will reject my lunch appointment... Anxious and fear filled me and I waited for a couple of hours before there was any reply.

2nd time, I walked past the corridor, I was filled with happiness because I received a positive reply and I thought that that will be a good start to anything..

3rd time, I walked past the corridor, I was filled with disappointment because at the end of lunch, I realized that everything was my own wishful thinking.

4th time, I walked past the corridor, I was filled with concern because she wasn't feeling well and I was worried about her thus I send her to the doctor and make sure she finished her medication and ointment.

5th time, I walked past the corridor, my eyes were filled with tears. Tears flow like a tap, unable to control the flow of it because by now, I know that it's impossible to revive the relationship and it's really time to give it up.

6th time, I walked past the corridor, I resigned myself to fate.

I appreciate the fact that you agree to have lunch with me. Throughout this relationship, it was only till the very end that I received the most passionate kiss in our relationship. It was the most unforgetful kiss that I ever received. It will be one of the most treasured feeling in my heart.

Please take good care of yourself. Take good care of your back. Take very good care of yourself because I can never be there for you.

---------------------------------------

We ask each other so many questions. Questions like "Will I date another girl soon?", "Will I get another girlfriend soon" and my questions to her are similar.

In that space of time, I realized that we still love each other deeply and we cant be together because you felt that the time for our relationship is up and we shouldn't be together anymore but not for me, I beg to differ. 

I was glad that you choose to meet me after catching up with your friends, maybe it was because I am meeting our batch-mates, that's why you choose to join me but what matters most to me is your presence.

You told me that we can still be friends after the relationship and things will be the same except that we aren't going to be that close but from the minute, you choose to end the relationship and I felt the difference. 

I will never be your top priority anymore, you will no longer place me in front of anything and for all I know, I might be at the bottom of the list right now. The day was supposed to be reserved for me but it wasn't. Your time is no longer mine...

During the Q & A, both of us teared... Because of the questions that we asked each other but I can tell that we still care for one another. 

You thank me so many times for the things that I do, Please don't... No formalities with me and within the space of a day, you are already so foreign to me.

I did what I did for you because I still love you deeply and I can't bear to see you suffer in pain, that's why I do what I have to do. Although I am not at the top of your priority list but YOU are at the top of my list...

---------------------------------------

Day 5

You just left for Hongkong and it already seems like you have been away for so long. Although I get to see you for a couple of hours before you left but it was one of the most fulfilling hours that I had. I got the answers that I wanted but not the person that I wanted.

I was so happy to received your sms when you reached. I never thought that you will send me another sms or to waste another expensive overseas sms to me again...

I was happy for you, at least now you are a happier person and you are having a good time overseas with your family and its fantastic, really happy for you...

We exchange a few sms to update each other on the day's events... It was a nice gesture from you.

Maybe, just maybe you are trying to help me get over you, bit by bit. So that I won't be so sad... I was devastated because I lost you and you were my pillar of strength. No matter what, I appreciate what you did for me.

In the few sms that we exchanged, we agree to meet up for a few outing and it's great news for me because I get to see you again. But at the end of the day, we can meet only as friends... Period...

In the address book of your handphone, I am always "XX Gary ONLY". I added the "ONLY" because previously, it was only "XX Gary". Kinda childish for me to do that but I wanted to tease you for not emphasizing our status because I felt as though I was only a name from your company... But well, you just changed it again... To "FAT PIG"... 

Cute but ARRGGGHHH....   :)

In the address book of my iphone, you will  always be "Magdalene Tay PIG Ching", 

You will also always be the Baby in my mind and;

You will always be the girl that I love most in my heart...

---------------------------------------

Day 6

You have been away for a couple of days and almost everyday, we chatted on the phone. Seems like yesterday ya? But the feeling that exist between us is far from what we have before.

Sometimes I wonder, just a difference of a couple of days and the feeling is totally different. You seem so distant right now. You seems so foreign to me right now...

At the end of the day, my love for you is still the same but I guess yours for me will never be as before. I wonder when can I ever make amends to the hurt that I have caused?

I wonder, when will I have the chance to gain your trust to make amends? After-all, at the end of day, both of us have to have trust in one another in order to make things work. Unfortunately, I was never given the chance to do so and maybe never from now on.

I know I have been loving someone that doesn't belong to me and my guess is, you will never be mine again...

--------------------------------------- 

Day 7

It's been a week since there is any progress between us and today was the day that I popped the question again but all I got was, a silent reply and I guess that it's a very obvious answer to her intentions. I'm not sure whether it's time for me to give up.

Is it worth it for me to carry on? Is it worth it for me to continue chasing this dream? Or should I stop?

I have done everything that I could to be with you, I have done everything to spend more time with you. Waking up in the middle of night to call you when you needed me, paying to be on the same flight with you and making all efforts to be with you... 

And I ain't sure what else I can do to win you back. Unfortunately, time is never on my side and I can't do much, what's more, priority will never be with me anymore thus I can never spend enough time you.

---------------------------------------

Day 8

I got a few calls from you when you arrived back in Singapore from Hongkong while I was in Auckland. I appreciate the effort that you made to call me despite the lousy connection and unhelpful reception...

Love the fact that you tried your best to call me. I felt bliss and it's always things like that that makes me want to continue woo-ing you back. There is always touches from you here and there that makes me feel loved and it's thoughts like that that makes me feel that we have a chance to be together again.

Unfortunately, that's all my own wishful thinking. I realized that despite you being loving towards me; at the end of the day, you didn't want a continuation of the relationship and that's what puzzled me.

You ain't leading me on. After-all, I am the one that's leading myself on. I am the one that gives myself false hopes to the whole relationship. 

Can't wait to see you when I am back.... 

---------------------------------------

Day 9

I was so disappointed when you didn't turn up... Somehow or so, I had a feeling that you were obligated to meet me. I hope I was wrong. I want you to "Want" to meet me instead of meeting me just for the sake of the appointment...

But you show up and assured me that that wasn't the case. I guess I am a guy who need lots of assurance... I was pleased to see you but at the same time my heart hurts like crazy to see you in such pain from your backaches...

I was pissed off with you for wanting to meet your friends in such state but I guess I am wrong, I don't have the right to deny you from doing the things you want to do. After-all, it's your body, your life and your decision to do what you like.

I guess that's one good thing about being single. I guess you enjoy the freedom that you have...

Within the past few days, I tried my very best to do what I can do to save our relationship but there is a limit to how much I can achieve and a limit to how much disappointment I can take...

Sometimes I wonder whether I have the energy to pursue my dream, my dream to be with you... It's getting exhausting and I am tired... I don't know how much more effort I can give to win you back....

There is a saying, "In the world of love poems, the word 'Miss' appears more than the word 'Love'."

I can truly understand that sentence...

*Repost* "The PAST"

I thought this was different from all other relationship that we both had, unfortunately it's the same. It falls into the same category like the rest, it falls into "The PAST" category.

Maybe I was petty and over sensitive in the things that you did. Maybe I was being over-sensitive. I don't know how I should react at times. Maybe I love you too much, maybe that's the consequences when I care too much about someone.

I was jealous over the way you treated your friends and how you treated me. When we were in Tokyo, your hp never leave you and it's almost instant replies for your friends when they sms you even late in the night but when you are away from me and replies for my sms takes as long as 2 hours to reply. You claim that I'm impatient but considering the differences, I don't think so.

I waited 13hours for you to give me a call  when I am in Zurich but you rather have dinner with your friends unwillingly especially when you claim that you are tired but you still went out with them till late in the night. maybe I should have trusted you more. 

When you have the chance to send me a free sms using the free internet in the lounge, you choose not to because taking a minute of your time to send that sms is deemed to be "Expecting too much" especially when you are watching a movie with your friends in the crowded and NOISY lounge.

I had a hard time trying to put my trust in you but you claim that I was being unreasonable when you gave your contact to a customer. You claim that you feel awkward to reject him repeatedly and you will not reply even if he emails. So what's the point in giving the addy when you don't even  have the intention to reply? (But the good thing is, you told me about it and it wasn't your hp. number?) Maybe I was just being petty...

At the end of the day, I guess I am just a petty, over-sensitive, impatient, not trusting and high expectations guy. Maybe I'm not the right guy for you... Maybe the dream guy that you need isn't what I am. (There were much more examples of me not being a good guy but I am too lazy to list out my other misdeeds.)

The only thing that I hope is that, the tiniest bit of happy memories that you had for our relationship will be the only thing that you remember when yo think of Gary Chien in the future.

*Repost* Recognition

I feel that I wasn't given the recognition that I deserved. Simply feel that I'm not recognize at all.

Am I being over-sensitive or is that normal? Maybe I lack a sense of security in life. Sounds likes a girl right? I don't know...

I wonder whether will I be given the kind of recognition that I craved for. I doubt so because the giver told me personally that the more I craved for it, the more the giver will not be giving it.

Isn't that a sad thing to know? Unfortunately, that will be somethings that I craved for, so does that mean that I will never be given the recognition that I want?

There has been so many changes in me lately, doing things that I will never do in the past. Bringing down my pride to the floor and squashing it till bits and pieces. Sometimes I wonder, is it worth it to do all the things that I have done?

On the other hand, isn't giving more important than receiving in a relationship? Giving can be a bliss but I do hope that I'm able to receive a little as well unfortunately that's something that I can't foresee that it will happen.

- - - - - - - - - - -- - - -

For the past few months, I stopped writing and deleted the blog because I thought that will reduce unwanted misunderstandings but it didn't, misunderstandings continued.

Maybe it's me, full of nonsense that created all the misunderstandings.

There was so much for me to expressed. So much suppressed feelings but nowhere to vent it out... Life can be so sucky at times but that's part and parcel of life. I thought I have been through everything but no, the setbacks came harder each time and hurting me even deeper.

Sometimes I wonder, are all those a test? A test to see how much I can endure.

So much have happen for the past few months and you were my pillar or strength but now that you have left, I have to learn how to be my own pillar of strength but I guess you deserved better.

Maybe I expected too much from you... I shouldn't have... 

I am not going to remember how much you loved me before, because you have already stopped.

*Repost* A journey called “Life”.

A new beginning – Transition

For once, I woke up with my face wet. Tears were still flowing and it was hard to stop it. Eventually it stopped and I realized that this is part of my journey. 

A lot of things happen lately but there is always a saying. Things don't in life don't end, it's just a new start in life..

I faced some negative issues in life but I hope I will be able to go through it soon. I guess it's just a transition period right now. The feelings that I am going through is something that I have not gone through before.

People change houses but their homes remained but for me, it's a different issue. I moved but I have lost my home as well. As much as I feel that I am very independent but I still feel lost. I ain't sure how I should react or what I should do. And the truth is, it was a big blow to me.

I went to U.K. myself, stayed alone myself for months and I was without friends for weeks and I manage to go through all that but at the end of the day, I knew I could come back to a home. Now, it's no longer there. I don't have  a place to call my own and my guess is that, it's gone for good. 

This issue have been on my mind for the past few days and I was wondering how should I handle it. I needed plenty of attention and support, I don't think I look as strong as I look, after-all I am mortal and all mortal have their weaknesses. Sometimes attention and support come in different ways and luckily  I got lots of support from my friends.

They say that bad stuff happen all at once and I do agree on that but no matter what happen, we have to be strong and faced what-ever fate has in store for us. At the end of the day, we still have a long way to go and we can't possibly be depressed throughout our life.

Sometimes I wonder to myself, did I do anything wrong to deserved all the bad things in life and I realized that everything happen for a reason and I believe that all these will truly prepare myself mentally for anything. I can't possible face anything worse. 

(I miss home-cook food, I miss my own lousy cooking and I miss my home, unfortunately all those are gone but I will create my own of everything soon...)

*Repost* A new beginning...

For once, I woke up with my face wet. Tears were still flowing and it was hard to stop it. Eventually it stopped and I realized that this is part of my journey. 

A journey called "Life".

A lot of things happen lately but there is always a saying. Things don't in life don't end, it's just a new start in life..

I faced some negative issues in life but I hope I will be able to go through it soon. I guess it's just a transition period right now. The feelings that I am going through is something that I have not gone through before.

People change houses but their homes remained but for me, it's a different issue. I moved but I have lost my home as well. As much as I feel that I am very independent but I still feel lost. I ain't sure how I should react or what I should do. And the truth is, it was a big blow to me.

I went to U.K. myself, stayed alone myself for months and I was without friends for weeks and I manage to go through all that but at the end of the day, I knew I could come back to a home. Now, it's no longer the same. I don't have  a place to call my own and my guess is that, it's gone for good. 

This issue have been on my mind for the past few days and I was wondering how should I handle it. I needed plenty of attention and support, I don't think I look as strong as I look, afterall I am mortal and all mortal have their weaknesses. Sometimes attention and support come in different ways and luckily  I got mine from my friends.

Lynn, Thanks for the conversations, You are always there to give me support and good advices. Never fail to make me feel better and to console me. You are always a true friend to me who knows me well...

Thanks to Dennis, Jason, Huairen and Zhenghan for helping me to move my dusty stuff and to keep me company throughout the day and of course passing me some of your money to pay for my Iphone via mahjong.

Thanks to Terence for sharing his experience with me. It helps me to understand certain stuff in life and I am sure it helps me in overcoming my problems in life.

And thanks to my dearest Lulu for giving me support and to encourage me. Love you deep deep. Thanks for being there for me and I am sure you will not claim the phone bills from me if I call you at Athens.

*Repost* What's wrong...?

 

Feeling depressed lately... Feel totally fucked... It's just a really lousy feeling but it's not because of work. Somehow I wonder how much lousy feelings can I take before I collapse. How much more of uneasiness can I handle before I go bonkers?

It's never in my spirit to give up easily and I will not do so. 

Sometimes I wonder am I being too sensitive about certain stuff or things are just normal and I feel unreciprocated. Maybe you aren't the emotional type but isn't it good if you just let me know or show how much you care? Am I asking too much?

Sometimes you feel that I am unreasonable... I don't know if I am because I don't know what constitutes to be a unreasonable boyfriend. Maybe what I do or maybe how I react?

You claim to have frequent headaches but you are able to spend the whole night fishing for prawns with your friends instead of resting...

Every time when we are suppose to meet during our off-days, you sleep the day away then we meet in late evening and you have to be home early because you got work tomorrow. FINE but why can't you sleep earlier the day before?

You take forever to reply my sms but when you are with me, replies to your friends were in seconds. Please fault me for feeling lousy...

Seldom I will be in the hotel the whole day but not a single call from you cause you were busy. Sms was not replied because you were sleeping but I can still receive it when I am back right?

Cant reply because you are sleeping and the next moment, you are out with your friends? I seriously don't understand....

*Repost* Simplicity

A simple photo,

A simple text, 

A simple recognition,

A simple 'I miss you',

Is all it takes to make my day.

But...

It's too difficult...

*Repost* I don't know.

Sometimes, I don't get the feeling that you are looking forward to see me.

The reluctant hugs, the reserved kisses and the underplayed affections.

I wonder where do I really stand in your heart? Do I even have a place? Maybe I don't or maybe I do, I simply don't know. You always claim that I do have a place in your heart but trust me my dear, words are afterall just words which can never be more effective than actions and up till now, I don't see much action.

Maybe it's how you react in a relationship, unfortunately that's not for me because I think I deserved  and I will demand more than that. I guess it's me. It's myself who needs more attention to fill in the voids of my life and to make myself less insecure. 

Have you noticed that? Maybe not... I don't think you did. Because all I see now is excuses, plenty of excuses...

Maybe I should  start giving hope on YOU...?

*Repost* Babies...

Sometimes I feel like a BIG baby... I need plenty of attention and I need to be taken care of. As mature as I look, I am still a big baby at heart. Always playing and never serious. Still unsure of what I want in life. Still choosing what to do with life. 

But can I really choose?

I doubt so. Sometimes fate chooses the partner for one but how can we really know that that's the right girl? Or maybe I have not met the right one to know that's the right one? I guess that's the feeling I have right now... Babies are also known for their indecisiveness. Not knowing what they want or what they need, always going for the next best thing or the next interesting toy. 

Am I able to find someone that fit those criteria?

Something to side-track about...

I have the Garfield's mindset towards girlfriend...

"Nobody will be able to bully you because I will protect you from them. ONLY I CAN BULLY YOU and NO ONE ELSE!"

Hee Hee...

*Repost* Appreciation

I am tired. Literally tired. Mentally and physically.

I haven't not slept for the past 24 hours and I am still not tired. How I wish I can sleep. I don't understand why. I am dead tired yet I can't sleep.

Maybe I have insomnia.

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Maybe I have too many things on my mind. I may look quiet and may look like I can't be bothered with stuff but it's all in my mind... I ain't petty and I forgot about things easily. Just that things will run through my mind over and over again. 

There are times when I wonder what makes a person fall for me? A boring and unromantic guy here... Hmm... I don't even know how to appreciate myself but that doesn't mean that I have low self-esteem and I still think highly of myself (Just Joking about it).

I think it's just me. Wrong period and wrong timing...

*Repost* Deprived

Sometimes I ask myself, what do I really want in life? I can never find satisfaction in my life now except for work. Love life has never been smooth for me. Always seeking for someone to suit me. But the problem is, how can anyone suit any different individual?

Maybe I am on the wrong path to seek a partner. Not that I am in a hurry to get married but it's just a companion to be with me. Deep down, I still feel a sense of loneliness in me and that has never change since a long long time and i wonder... When am I able to get rid of that loneliness feeling?

i guess its difficult to do so and i know that its a must to be getting rid of the horrid unstable feeling that's in me.

I had a wonderful girlfriend who understand me more than myself  but i gave it up because i knew i can never give her what she wants and maybe i am not good enough for her. to be deciding on myself might seem selfish but at the end of the day, i think its fair for her. Someone got to make the the 'right' decision and hopefully i did the right thing.

Please do not blame me for not keeping in touch because i do not know how to handle broken relationships because i might just ask for more at the end of it. Sometimes starting a new relationship can be a chore. You need to know someone all over again and to get used to the person's habits and lifestyle. Even with a high adaptability, i think its difficult. Even when 2 person are together, one will still have to depend on the other to give them the right status in order to become a couple. Sometimes its easy to give but difficult to commit.

i believe i am a simple guy. I need a guy who loves me whole-heartedly, no lies and be able to discuss all kinds of stuff with me. i believe that's very important in a relationship. Hopefully I am able to get one soon. Sometimes it can be very disappointing to be waiting for it. Very depriving before it happens.

But... What to do? I guess, that's life...

*Repost* Travels

Travelling has always been in my blood but never did i dream of a job that is able to fulfill my dreams.

I have been to several cities around the world although I am not able to fulfill my dream of working within the locals in order to experience the lives' of the locals, still I manage to experience the culture of different countries. How people speak and react and how things are done.

I was in Nanjing for 3days and it was a fun-filled trip. We had an amazing set of crew who is friendly and easy-going. We toured the famous mountains that's dedicated to Sun Yet-sen. We tour the local markets and ate really cheap and nice authentic chinese food. But chinese food is full of vegetables... Hotel was good as usual.

Went back to Brisbane for a day tour. Took the city cat and toured around south bank, the lives of the local students and the serenity around the city area. Nice view and a very conducive place to study.

Work back-to-back and I went to Melbourne for a short lunch and dinner meal with my old friend. Have not seen her for the past 3 years and luckily she remember who i am. Been missing in action for so long. All of us misses you alot and hopefully you will be back home soon. Being away for so long isnt always a good choice. Home will always be home and that will never change. It's just different.

One might set up a base in a foreign country but home will always be the sweetest place. I have always hope to find a place like that. Unfortunately, that cannot be fulfilled right now. Simply no chance of it happening now.

Bangkok is nice. Although it's just a nightstop and I can't do much over there but i manage to go for a good thai massage and in the process of the nightstop, i made lots of friends and we had amazing food in Bangkok.

*Repost* Happy Birthday... (Maybe a not-so-happy-one)

Once again. Thanks for the wishes and the celebration by my friends and roster has been nice to me as i am able to stay in Singapore during my birthday and i manage to celebrate with a few of my friends. Had a wonderful with Lynn, Kyann, Joleen and Weiye at Waruku or Wakura, i cant really remember the name but the food is nice. 

It has been a long time since i see them and it was nice to be seeing my old friends. we shared alot of time together during my days in Keppel and it was nice. It's sad to be leaving them but somehow it's good that I left because i manage to fulfill my dream but now  i have very little time for them. Maybe it's lazy me who just like to rot at home most of the time.

Ya. i guess so. I aint a good friend to many but many have been a good friend to me. Lucky me.

And i had a major gathering with my secondary school friend where we had dinner at this little corner at serangoon road. This little small stall – The French stall; for my birthday celebration. Once again, i gotta thank them for making my day. It was suppose to be my treat but i was way too broke and i am sure i will make it up to them soon. 

It's a promise...

It's a nice get-to-gather when i saw many people and to be catching up with them. Somehow i miss the old school days where they were no worries... 

 I come to realized that i have been very reliant on technology. i kept all my secrets, thoughts and my important documents in the small little box and when it crashed, all my stuff went away with it and i had to start from scratch to create another box that's mine. Troublesome is not a word that i can used to describe what  went through and now, i do backups...

And the best thing was, it happen right after my birthday... THANKS.

As positive as i can be, i have my ups and downs which can really bring me down to the pits. There was a time where i had a house but now, there is only a room for me.

Sometimes i yearn for a physical touch but it never came. Am I not desirable enough? Some friends have commented that "I have the look, so it will be easy." 

Until now, i don't understand what they mean by that... Maybe it's consolation. (And I truly think it is...)  Not that i have low self-esteem, just that i am demoralized by the events that happened lately... Work has been fine and i am getting to work and i still enjoy my work... 

*Repost* Pursuit of Happyness

I name this stage of my life "Pursuing of HappYness".

I was inspired by a movie of the same title. It's about the life of a man stuggling against all odds to give himself and his son a better life and after all the obstacles, he succeeded.

And I am facing something similar in my life right now. Stuck at the bottom of the pit with nothing to my name and deeply in debts. And not mention that I emotions aren't getting any better. Even though my pot of gold is coming my way but it isn't coming as soon as I hope it to be.

Life may seem easy and relax but deep down, it's a sea of emotions raging like huge waves. Sometimes I wonder, is the path I chose a right one? Of course I do understand that my career is definitely something on the right track but my life... I wonder... What else are the steps that I can take to enhance my life.

Ironically, being stuck at the bottom of the pit helps me to see further and better. Unfortunately, there are some obstacles that I will never overcome. 

It's been almost 4 months since I last blog and I have been busy with training lately. Training myself to become fatter while I eat 4 meals a day and sleep like nobody's business. Sounds fun ya? 

Well, I got my dream job and now, I am finally on it which comes as a relief becourse the money from it can really help to tight me over for my situation. I mean not for now though because training salary is really peanuts thus I am deeply in debts.

Training time was fun and nice and I met alot of new and good friends. Although we didn't really hang out as often as some others but I guess we had a good time together during training. As we have plenty of break time, we manage to bond. 

Although there were some conflicts every now and then, but everyone is nice by nature. Very friendly and cheerful.

"Pursuit of HappYness" - I know that there is a mistake in the spelling because it's reflected as a way of innocence as it's written by a child and only a child can produce something of innocence. Which shows that while in the midst of pursuing of our happiness, we should not forget to spare a thought of innocence into our lifestyle and even if we have to go all out to pursue happiness, we should not achieve it over the misfortune of others.

And the word "Pursuit" is a way of saying that we should be persuasive and be patient in whatever we are doing.

Currently in my life, I face the same shit like the show but of course minus the child and the age. But I am sure I will succeed and overcome everything soon...

In this couple of months, I visited a few places. Like Osaka, Shanghai, Beijing and Brisbane. And I realise that it's really a lifestyle job. To be heading to different cities and to be enjoying the view and lifestyle and the culture of it.

And I am sure I will be heading to a few more interesting places with more interesting things to do and see and of course more money to shop by then. Until now, it's too much shopping but too little funds to do anything. Hopefully I will not overindulge in shopping but to save more money.

Osaka is a nice city that has nice weather and plenty of shopping opportunities. It's clean but things are on the expensive side although still affordable. On average around 10plus for a simple meal which is worth it and the ramen there is amazing. Simply irrestible and the meat will just melt in your mouth and I hope to have a chance to head back there for some nice shopping.

Shanghai and Beijing, 2 of the more popular and modern place in China. It's nice with lots of skyscrapers but it still have the 3rd world feeling which I guess isn't good for a modern place. And the chinese are still having the bad habit of spitting around and it just reminds me of a friend. Not that she spits but she hates to step onto dirty floors and if she ever visit China, I guess she will have to fly instead of walk as the floors are really dirty. But the pearl tower of the East is really nice. Very nice view and very chilly weather.

Food in Beijing is dirt cheap and it comes in huge portion. Such huge portion that I can't even finish a quarter of the noodle bowl. Whole chicken cost only 2sin... Can't find any cheaper than that.

Brisbane is a city of regrets. I spend almost one eighth of my projected salary on food and luck. Out of the one eighth salary, only one over twenty-fifth of that one eighth is spend on food. And never eat lunch during lunch time cause everywhere is packed with people and it's more expensive to eat lunch during lunch. Eat around 2-3pm and almost everything will be on 50% off.

Which comes to my regret. From now on, the resolution in life is never to have trust in games of luck. As tempting as it might be, I will not dabble in games of such. Hopefully to the extend of Mahjiong as its a game of luck as well.

A friend of mine wanted me to give up mahjiong for her sake but how can I? One have to understand the fact that one can never give up something for the sake of someone because at the end of the day, the person will still have regrets on it and will always harp on the issue till the end. Isn't it fruitful-less for someone to give up something even though they appear to give things up? All I can say is that one will give things up only when one realise that it's harmless.

Now, I have realise the evil of it and I will give it up.

*Repost* My old traveling experience

Capri Island, Rome and Bombay

I thought I had a glimpse of paradise until today. A place that came out from the movies or should I say that it's something like a poster-card; simply unbelievable. 

The mountains, the sea and the amazing houses on the island is scene that captivates me and somehow I wonder, why aren't I part of this part of the island. Although it's highly commercialized but it's scenery is simply amazing.

The only thought that went through my mind was why isn't she with me now. How I wish I could bring her along with me to enjoy what I am going through. All the sights and experience. Throughout the trip, we got a few good deals. The mountainous areas of Capri, the similar 'Hanging Gardens", the dark blue sea and the hill tram to the top of Capri.

Did I mention that the Gelato is still as amazing as ever. I had so many cups throughout the day and I feel so fat now... Baby is going to be so mad at me for saying that and she will definitely ask me to  stop complaining that I am fat.

Although rental on the island cost around 3-400 euros a night but I guess it's worth it. But I don't think that I am rich enough to stay there. I am afterall a poor church mouse.

But I am sure I will be able to bring you for a nice holiday soon. Maybe by the start of next year.

Ok. Back to my paradise topic. Just a pity that I don't have enough time to tour the whole place. Although I do not the chance to visit the famous Blue Ghotto and Anacapri. But on my next trip back, I will definitely visit those places and of course Pompeii..

Rome is still the same old Rome with ruins everywhere and the bloody Italians are still as snobby as usual. Ironically it's the service staff that's rude but the rest of them are still friendly. They gave me valuable information on what's what and the nice places to go.

Sometimes I wish, I could travel more with you and of course to spend more time with you but too bad, our roster is never the same. 

Had a good 4 day rest before I head over to Bombay and gosh, it was the raining season and I can't do much over here. Can't go sight-see or anything and I guess there is nothing much to see too but I did head over to town which is like big old run-down market and there is practically nothing over there. Except for a lousy Mcdonald's and a KFC. Hmm.. that's the 2 most exciting stores I guess. 

But one thing is that the indians speak and understand better English than the koreans. At the same time, they are more difficult to deal with. Maybe because they feel that they more they pay, and they should get better treatment. ASSHOLES... Troublesome assholes. 

At least food was cheap... 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seoul & Melbourne

First time to Seoul and it was a fulfilling trip for me. Went for a sightseeing trip on my own. Sometimes it might be a little boring but I don't mind. At least I am able to decide where and what time to go. It was a breeze to travel from one place to another in Seoul, at least there is some English wordings to indicate the stations which makes it so much easier for me to understand everything.

Koran are generally friendly people. At least it was easy for me to seek help form strangers and all of them are more than willing to help. Sometimes it's more of a challenge and trill to be traveling alone in a foreign country because one will never know what one will encounter.

Fortunately for me, i had good encounters. Tour to the korean palace was nice. They have demonstrations on the ancient korean palace's rites at different hours of the day. They wore the full costumes and they did the ancient rites.

It was a nice and huge place. But not as big as China's palace. Seoul is a lucky place unfortunately I lost all my winnings at Melbourne.

I met up with Nini again. Always good to see her for dinner and ice-cream. See you soon again in September when its not so cold...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Middle East and South Africa And Japan

Fukuoka is a hard-to-come-by Japan flight and luckily I manage to get it. I volunteer for flights and I manage to get flights like these. Fukuoka is one of the best place for a hot bowl of ramen, amazing place and did I mention that the piece of char-siew simply melts in the mouth. Irresistible is the word to describe it and i guess, one can only taste food like that in Japan.

Left for Johannesburg shortly after my Fukuoka flight and unfortunately for me, there were riots around the area and I didn't manage to go for the safari tours. But sometimes I guess that's just an excuse. Mag was telling me that those riots isn't a deterrent effect to stop me from going out and she  was absolutely correct. 

I ain't really interested in South Africa so I didn't mind staying in the hotel for so many days. A good place for me to recover from my sickness – cough, flu, headache and sore throat.

But food in Johannesburg is really amazing. Wine and dine over there is really cheap. I had a few beers and a nice HUGE plate of Ribs and it cost me less than S$30. 

Fish & Co originated from Ocean Basket which comes from South Africa and I manage to try the food there which was, again, cheap and good. 

Sometimes I heard of stories that people meet their secondary school, poly and university mates on board and to my surprise, i met mine. My low profile secondary school mate of mine was onboard and I couldn't even recognize her until she mentioned to me that we were in the same class. 

Shock and surprised is the word to describe my emotions. But I was happy to see her after like almost 10 years? Always good to see a friend around the area. Hopefully more surprises for me. No bad ones though. 

Taipei is the city of mango milk ice and that's the only ting that I am looking forward to. Not to mention all the fashion or any other stuff. Mango milk ice is the dessert that I am looking for and despite the city was pouring, the search for a good bowl of mango milk ice is still on. Food from road-side stalls is nice, mee-sua still taste the same and the city of Taipei still looks the same to me and I even saw the same beggar doing the same trick at Xi-men-ding area. Still as beautiful as it is.

Still plenty of pretty girls around the area unfortunately I  ain't interested in them cause I got a nice one already. It was a friday night but it was such a waste that I didn't wake up to go clubbing because I overslept after dinner. What a waste... No worries, Girls of Taipei, I will be back soon...

I realize that I have not taken any pictures for my past few trips. Was it because I am sick of photography or because I am tired to taking pictures or maybe it's because there aren't much stuff for me to take especially the places that I have been to is a little boring. 

Once again, I volunteer for flights and I had a quarrel with my girl because we spend too little time together yet I volunteer for flights. Sorry for what I did. Didn't mean to do so but a chance to earn more money is always hard-to-resist.

Well, I didnt come from a well-to-do family and I have been depending on myself for a long time and I am going to do so for the rest of the next few years. I will have to REALLY depend on myself so money will be an important factor in my life but I promise I will still spare some time for you and volunteering will occur on situations when you aren't around in Singapore.

My 6-day stay in Abu Dhabi is a breeze. I have almost 4-days of rest over here. Besides the short shuttle that I did, I was resting throughout the stay in the comfortable hotel bed. Bought lots of chocolates and cookies to last me for the long stay.

I had a tub of Hagen Denz ice-cream all to myself while waiting for my friends to finish their groceries and at the same time, I finished my tub of cookies & cream ice-cream to myself within half an hour. It's so damn cheap, it cost only 8bucks. How I wish I could bring a whole box of it back to Singapore.

There is a dessert tour over her but I didn't go for it cause no one wanted to go but it doesn't matter because it was simply too hot (43 degrees celsius). Food is not that amazing and expensive but the only thing to do is to go out for a short walk and  to get some food. I miss you so much. Didn't manage to see you for so many days and I miss your hugs. 

Looking forward to it when I get back home.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nanjing, Brisbane, Melbourne, Bangkok, Zurich

Travelling has always been in my blood but never did i dream of a job that is able to fulfill my dreams.

I have been to several cities around the world although I am not able to fulfill my dream of working within the locals in order to experience the lives' of the locals, still I manage to experience the culture of different countries. How people speak and react and how things are done.

I was in Nanjing for 3days and it was a fun-filled trip. We had an amazing set of crew who is friendly and easy-going. We toured the famous mountains that's dedicated to Sun Yet-sen. We tour the local markets and ate really cheap and nice authentic chinese food. But chinese food is full of vegetables... Hotel was good as usual.

Went back to Brisbane for a day tour. Took the city cat and toured around south bank, the lives of the local students and the serenity around the city area. Nice view and a very conducive place to study.

Work back-to-back and I went to Melbourne for a short lunch and dinner meal with my old friend. Have not seen her for the past 3 years and luckily she remember who i am. Been missing in action for so long. All of us misses you a lot and hopefully you will be back home soon. Being away for so long isn't always a good choice. Home will always be home and that will never change. It's just different.

One might set up a base in a foreign country but home will always be the sweetest place. I have always hope to find a place like that. Unfortunately, that cannot be fulfilled right now. Simply no chance of it happening now.

Bangkok is nice. Although it's just a night-stop and I can't do much over there but i manage to go for a good thai massage and in the process of the night-stop, i made lots of friends and these are the friends who tour Zurich together and of course the mountainous area of Lietcheinstein. Which is an amazing place and that's also the first time i saw snow. Doesn't look that yummy to me though. 

It was a wonderful experience but the bad thing was I was sick and I had a long 12hour journey. An amazing 12-hours of motion-sickness which I manage to endure. That's the kind of place that I would like to travel with my love ones and I had lots of concern from Singapore. Received lots of messages from her to remind me to take good care of myself which I did by eating plenty of chocolates. A good way to take good care of myself ya. But trust me, I am still fine and there will be plenty of love from me.

36 hours...

I went sleepless for 36hours on saturday till sunday. I swear to God that I will never do something like that again. I swear that I will try my best to get enough sleep.

Out of 36 hours, I spend 12 hours working on a horrible assignment. One that I wish I will never get it again... The next 12 hours was spend watching movies and waiting for my girl to come out of slumber mode and to have lunch with her and not forgetting the 2 hours of manicure which was spent waiting.

The next 12 hours was spend playing football, dinner and a night of movies and when I finally fell asleep, it was for 2hours only and I'm up and running again. 

I have been avoiding sleep unknowingly for quite some time. Unfortunately something was on my mind for the past few days...

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Just when I thought things was going smoothly, things crumble and hopes crushed... For now, I don't harbor any hopes anymore, I no longer feel assured and my guess is that I can only take things one step at a time. 

My promises are true and I will not break it unfortunately I'm still unhappy. But my unhappiness can only be kept hidden within myself. We feel for one another unfortunately our views are different. I guess that's the reason why we aren't progressing any further. 

Sometimes...

We hear,

But we don't listen...

We look, 

But we don't see things.

I agree...

It's a New Year...

I was hoping that this is going to be a good start for the year of 2009. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like it is.

A friend was asking me, how do I de-stress myself especially after going through so many setbacks? I don't drown myself in alcohol or drugs and I don't indulge myself in negative activities.

I told my friend that it's because I have great hopes for the future and it's hopes like that that gives me the strength to go on. And like what I wrote before, despite going through so much, setbacks have been coming in like waves. It rolls in non-stop and it gets worse each time...

Going away was a good way of relaxing myself and to experience new stuff unfortunately it ended abruptly when my money was used up in 2007.

Year 2007 was horrid, Year 2008 was slightly better as things were already bad and it couldn't be any worse... It's 2009 now, I thought things will be better... but it isn't... Maybe it's just the start but I hope it will be better from now on...

After-all, it's all these hopes that keeps me going...

Relationship comes and goes and I guess it's just another phase of life. Nothing amazing and nothing new. After-all, single-hood simply means freedom.

I will always miss being in a relationship, the sweetness and the romance in one will always be the highlight of my life. Unfortunately, it's over for now...